Why Couples Therapy May Not Be for You ( And What That really Means)

“Raw truth about when couples therapy doesn’t work”

The Hardest Thing I Can Tell You

Couples therapy might not be for you.

Not because it doesn’t work. Not because you’re “too broken.” But because you don’t actually want what it requires.

That’s the part nobody says out loud.

We picture couples therapy as a rescue boat. You climb in, exhausted from fighting the waves, and someone rows you safely back to shore. But that’s not how it works. Couples therapy is not rescue. It’s training. It’s uncomfortable, repetitive, and sometimes brutal — like a fire drill you run over and over, so that when the fire comes, you actually know what to do.

If you want someone to save you, you’ll leave disappointed.

The Fantasy of Couples Therapy

Here’s what I’ve learned after sitting with couples for years: almost everyone arrives with a fantasy.

You imagine a safe space where I finally understand you. Where I say out loud what you’ve been silently screaming: See? You’re not the problem. Your partner is.

You imagine me nodding as you tell your story, maybe even turning to your partner and saying: “Do you hear them? They’re right. You’re the one who needs to change.”

But that’s not what I do.

If that’s what you want, couples therapy will feel like betrayal.

Why Couples Therapy May Not Be for You

Here’s the truth I’ve watched play out, again and again:

1. If you’re not willing to see your own part.Yes, maybe your partner betrayed you. Maybe they shut down, dismissed you, or left you feeling invisible. But if you come only to prove they are broken and you are not, nothing will shift. Therapy isn’t about choosing sides. It’s about changing the dance. And both of you are in it.

2. If you want comfort more than change.Couples therapy is not a spa day. It’s not warm tea and soft music and someone smoothing over your pain. It’s a mirror that shows you the ugliest angles of your relationship. It’s sitting in silence when you want to scream. It’s breathing through the urge to run. If you want comfort, don’t come. If you want change, be ready to sweat.

3. If you think I can make your partner want it.I can’t. Desire can’t be manufactured. I can’t strap someone to the process and make them care. If your partner has already checked out, therapy will only reveal that more clearly.

4. If betrayal is still happening.You can’t rebuild trust while lies are still in the room. Couples sit down, devastated by an affair, and I ask: “Is it over?” If the answer is no, if the affair is still happening, therapy can’t work. That’s like building a house on sand.

5. If you won’t practice outside of session.Fifty minutes a week in my office won’t save you. That’s like hiring a personal trainer and refusing to lift a single weight when you’re home. The work is in the moments you’re triggered, when you want to slam a door or walk away or scroll your phone instead of speaking. If you won’t practice then, therapy is theater.

The Fire and the Drill

Imagine this: a couple waits until the house is in flames. Smoke everywhere, heat unbearable. Then they call the fire department.

That’s how most couples come to therapy — at the breaking point. And I get it. We avoid pain until we can’t. But by the time you’re in the middle of the fire, you don’t need a drill. You need rescue. And therapy doesn’t rescue.

It trains you for next time. It teaches you how to catch the smoke early, before the house is burning down. But if you only come once the walls are collapsing, the best therapy can do is help you sift through ashes with dignity.

That’s not failure. It’s just reality.

When Couples Therapy Does Work

Now, here’s the good news.

Therapy works when you come not for proof, but for possibility. It works when you’re willing to look at yourself as much as your partner. It works when you don’t just want the fighting to stop — you want a new way to live together.

It works when you:

• Are willing to sit in discomfort instead of numbing it away.

• Care more about growth than about being right.

• Choose to pause before reacting, even when every cell in your body wants to lash out.

• Are open to practicing clumsy new tools, knowing they’ll feel strange before they feel natural.

I’ve watched couples walk in on the edge of divorce and weeks later, reach for each other’s hands with tears in their eyes. I’ve seen trust begin to rebuild, brick by brick, after betrayal. I’ve seen couples who thought they were enemies discover they were just dysregulated nervous systems, trying desperately to find safety.

That’s when therapy works.

What Therapy Can’t Do

Therapy can’t:

• Make your partner want to stay.

• Guarantee forgiveness.

• Erase history.

• Save a relationship if one person has already decided to leave.

But it can:

• Show you the truth of what’s possible.

• Give you tools to regulate instead of react.

• Create space for repair.

• Give you clarity, whether you choose to stay or to go.

The Brutal Honesty

Here’s the rawest thing I’ll tell you:

Sometimes therapy helps you realize you don’t actually want this relationship anymore.

Sometimes the bravest work couples do with me is not about staying together, but about ending with honesty instead of chaos. About saying the things they’ve been afraid to say for years. About walking away without destroying each other in the process.

That’s not failure. That’s therapy doing its job.

You Can’t Outsource the Work

Wanting your therapist to fix your relationship while you sit back is like bringing your partner to the gym and expecting them to sweat for you.

You can’t outsource growth. You can’t delegate regulation. You can’t hope your partner will do it while you wait in the corner with your arms crossed.

Couples therapy is not me working harder than you. It’s me showing you the weights, guiding your form, spotting you while you lift. But you have to lift. Both of you.

What Are You Really Asking?

When people ask me, “Do you think couples therapy works?” I know they’re not really asking about therapy. They’re asking:

• Will it fix us?

• Will it save us?

• Will it prove I’m not the problem?

But those aren’t the questions that matter.

The real questions are:

• Do you want to stop pretending?

• Do you want to learn a new way of being together?

• Do you want growth badly enough to be uncomfortable?

Because if the answer is no, then no — couples therapy isn’t for you.

My Raw Truth

I’ve seen it all.

I’ve sat in the war zone of couples screaming at each other, and I’ve sat in the icy silence of couples who gave up years ago but are still sitting on the couch together, out of habit.

I’ve watched people discover they can still reach for each other, even after years of hurt. And I’ve watched people finally admit that what they’re holding on to isn’t love anymore, but fear of being alone.

Both are honest. Both are therapy.

The Haunting Question

So here it is, as raw as I can put it:

Couples therapy doesn’t save relationships. It saves people from living in half-truths.

The question isn’t whether therapy works.

The question is: are you ready to stop lying to yourself?

If you’re sitting in that space of doubt — if you’re wondering whether therapy is for you — that wondering itself is the doorway. You don’t have to decide alone.

[ Book a free 15-minute consult ] and let’s talk honestly about what’s possible.